Let Go if You Feel Icky…

Over the last week I’ve taught a workshop on Self-Care & Stress Management, finished the editing phase of a book I’ve written on Self-Care, read a book on being your highest self and listened to a podcast on the same.  I’ve been immersed on the concepts of Self-Care.

There is a misconception that self-care is selfish and is only bubble baths and massages.  Self-care is NOT selfish; it’s an act of self-love and self-preservation.  And don’t get me wrong, bubble baths and massages are great things we can do for self-care.  But we need to look at the bigger picture.  And that’s what the book I’ve written is about.  However, I only touch on the seven things that I think are fundamental to self-care but that people often overlook. I don’t want to spoil it for you; you’ll have to wait until the book is available.

As I’ve consumed media on the topic, I’ve decided that there are so many other big ways to self-care that we don’t consider that are also important; maybe a second book is in order (volume 2)!

I’m working on a series of workshops for Financial Wellness.  Taking care of ourselves financially is a form of self-care also.

But something I touch on briefly in my book that was more deeply discussed in the podcast I listened to today which really resonated with me is the self-care act of letting go.  Letting go, in particular, of people.

Motivational speaker Jim Rohn says, we are the average of the five people we spend the most time with.  Now think about those five people in your own life for a moment.  Really think about them.  Think about how they make you feel.  Think about the type of person you are around them.  Think about how they treat you.  Think about your conversations, the depth, the understanding, the compassion.  Think about the energy you feel around them and after being with them. Sit for a moment with that….I can wait…

Now ask yourself these two questions: Do you like the person you are around these people? Do you like the person you are period (since you are the average of those five people (or those closest to you))?  Let’s ask a third question: are you able to be your highest self with the people you allow in your life right now?

In the podcast, which I will now reveal was the “The Life of Greatness” and an interview with Robin Sharma who wrote, “The Everyday Hero Manifesto” (among other great books). Robin says that one of the best acts of self-care and self-love that anyone can do is let go of the people who bring you down, don’t support you, take advantage of you, blame, complain, and don’t allow you to find your highest potential.  I wholeheartedly agree.

I think this is also something you realize as you get older.  You don’t have time for bullshit anymore.  You don’t have the time or energy for people who drag you down.  As I get older, my energy and how I spend it becomes much more precious to me.

It can be really hard to let some of these people go.  They might be family.  They might be friends you’ve had for a long time.  They might be partners.

My mom had a family member, whom she loved dearly, but who was a big complainer and “Negative Nelly”. A conversation with this person literally drained my mother to the point that she felt depressed or super tired afterward.  My dad could always tell that she had spoken to this person by her demeanour.  But my mom recognized this and limited her interactions.  She also timed them so that she could do something uplifting afterward to balance her emotions or be around the people who lifted her up.

I had a boyfriend that I stayed with far longer than I should have because of a situation that made me feel stuck with this person.  This person used me and constantly put me (and my stuff) down.  For example, I would teach a class and he would attend and after class point out everything I did wrong or could have done better. I constantly had the energy sucked out of me.  I finally decided that my self-love and not being miserable was more important to me; I knew I was better off taking the chance at being alone than feeling that way.  It was hard to end the relationship; and ended up being a shitty breakup. But, man, I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders immediately.  All of my friends and family (yes, all, including those I had lost along the way because of this relationship) told me that I hadn’t been myself for a long time and they were so glad that I took that step and just like Stella, got my groove back.

You CAN do it too.  It’s hard.  But we can do the hard things. And there are going to be some people that you can’t completely let go of but you can limit your interactions with them and they do not have to be the five (or ten or twenty) people you spend the most time with.

Remember too that people may be in your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.  When a relationship has drifted, grown apart or even become toxic, don’t hang on for old times sake or because you feel like you’ve invested too much time.  Take the lesson (the reason or season) and run with it, appreciate it, feel gratitude for what they were there for you to get through or learn.  Wish them luck as they move on their journey also. Maybe these people didn’t give you anything in return; maybe they needed you.  Regardless, cut your losses.  In accounting we call these ‘sunk costs’.  Life is too short to hang on to people that make you feel icky.

Spend time with people who make you laugh, who see your beauty, who encourage you, who share interests with you, who accept you as you are, who bring out the best in you; just as you do for them. Spend time with people with good energy (you can feel it) as opposed to energy vampires (you can feel that too!).  Spend time with people who lift you up so you can live your best life. Spend time with people who recognize that self-care is self-love also.

THIS is one of the greatest acts of self-care you can give yourself.