When my husband and I had our discussion about why this time of year is so damn stressful, we kept coming back to one thing: expectations. And the truth is, expectations are different for everyone.
For him, it’s the expectation to appear to be jolly, cheerful and “on”. And it’s the expectation that we blindly follow traditions without ever asking, “why are we still doing this?”.
For many years, my expectations were self-imposed: to find the perfect gifts for all the right people (and make sure you get those emergency gifts in case you missed someone!), attend every invitation to every holiday gathering (I think my record is six in one week), keep every holiday baking tradition alive, stay connected somehow with family and friends that I haven’t spoken to since last December – which is weird in its own right.
Now, don’t get me wrong. There are special traditions that I love about the holidays; things that make the season special to me. But I’ve done the reflection and the work I’m about to talk to you about. I’ve pared things down so I only do what truly matters to me. And I no longer overextend myself – I take care of myself.
But let me ask you, dear reader, as I asked my husband, who is putting the expectations on you? And why? Once we name the source, the pressure might just start to lose its power. We might decide to be okay with the expectations once we figure out the source and they why. Or we might decide that they no longer meet our reality.
SOCIETY LOVES TO PILE ON EXPECTATIONS
This season is full of a lot of emotional labour.
We might be navigating family tension. We may be expected to spend time with people we don’t like, don’t feel safe around, or feel judged by. We can’t pick our family. It’s taboo to say this but, you don’t have to like your family. Being related doesn’t magically erase toxicity, guilt trips, or unresolved conflict. Sometimes family is wonderful. As a kid, I had a really close family with lots of aunts, uncles, and cousins together over the holidays – singing, dancing, tobogganing, playing games etc. I loved it. But thinking back, it was noisy chaos and now I like simplicity and quiet. Sometimes navigating family can be a landmine. They can put pressure on us, make us feel guilty, judge us, or remind us we’ve somehow failed to live up to some standard. Sometimes we have members of our family that we think are just plain old assholes.
We might be carrying grief and loss. For many, the holidays bring up grief and loss – old grief, fresh grief, and grief that comes in waves. Psychology Today shared a survey from 2021 which said that 36% of the 2,000 people surveyed did not look forward to the holidays because it reminds them of loved ones they’ve lost. There is no timeline for grief. There is no “getting over it”. It comes and goes like waves. If you’ve experienced loss, you know this. And certainly memories, good and maybe not so good, can come this time of year. My sister died thirty one years ago and every year I take out an ornament that she made for me and get overwhelmed with emotion. The grief doesn’t disappear – it changes. And it will always suck. But I have grief because I experienced love and that means something special.
Maybe we just had a shitty year. Many of us are dealing with health scares, job stress, financial strain, break ups or divorce, lost pets, family conflict, burnout, the scariness of uncertain times, a volatile world and exhaustion. We never know what someone else is carrying into the holidays. Most of you who spent time with me this year would never guess that I’ve just had one of the shittiest work years of my life. It’s a good thing I have good coping skills!
FINANCIAL EXPECTATION NOBODY TALKS ABOUT
Let’s talk money. I really can’t wrap my head around people who go into debt for the holidays. What is the point? Is that a reasonable way to celebrate whatever you are celebrating? How can family members expect that we show our love and appreciation by going into debt? To me, an accountant, it’s a poor money management decision. A CNBC article from December 2024 said that 36% of Americans and, believe it or not, 50% of Canadians go into debt for the holidays. And 94% of Canadians feel lots of financial stress because of this. They finance the debt on credit cards and carry that debt most of the following year. Why are we celebrating by financially sabotaging ourselves? That is a horrible expectation.
In part 1 of this blog series, I mentioned that experiences together mean more than “things” and spending time together means more than “stuff”. A two-hour cup of tea and a real conversation with someone who matters to you will be remembered far longer than a scarf, a gift set from Costco, or chocolates.
Maya Anjelou said, “...people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will not forget how you made them feel.” I say do what feels right, not what looks right.
10 LOW COST, HIGH CONNECTION WAYS TO SPEND TIME WITH LOVED ONES
Having a serious and heartfelt talk with family members about time commitments, spending, and expectations might be difficult but a loving and supportive family will understand. Here is a list of ten things that cost very little that offer a heartfelt experience with loved one:
1. Spend an afternoon drinking hot chocolate and playing games.
2. Organize a cozy holiday movie night with blankets and popcorn.
3. Go to a pottery painting class, paint night or stay home and DIY crafts with family. You can make things to give people to show them you appreciate them – your mail person, barista, house cleaner etc.
4. Volunteer somewhere together as a family. You can spend time together and make others feel good at the same time. Giving back is one of the greatest rewards in life.
5. Make coupon books as gifts for simple future hang outs or experiences. You can include things like a coffee date, a hike, baking cookies together, helping organize a closet…use your imagination.
6. Write gratitude cards, tell people why they are important to you and hand it to them with a hug.
7. Organize a pot luck instead of one person cooking an entire meal or everyone spending money at a restaurant. Have people bring the recipes so they can share with others. Heck, maybe someone collects the recipes and creates a little cookbook to give out.
8. Have a backyard fire, roast marshmallows and tell holiday stories. Or go on a family hike with a picnic of little sandwiches and thermoses of hot chocolate or specialty coffee.
9. Do a book gift exchange and then have an hour or two of family reading time. This one is especially great if you want some easy quiet time!
10. Walk around and take photos together and make a family memory album or scrapbook with funny anecdotes, jokes, affirmations or words of encouragement. Something that family members can go to during the rest of the year for a little pick-me-up.
LET’S TALK ABOUT TRADITIONS
I want to talk a bit about traditions. I get into traditions a bit more in next week’s blog.
Traditions can be beautiful…until they’re not. Sometimes they bring joy. Sometimes they bring stress or unnecessary pressure. As our lives change, our traditions should too.
Your body renews itself every seven-ish years – literally new cells, new needs, new rhythms. Why should your holiday traditions stay frozen in time? It’s not disloyal to change a tradition, it’s adaptive. And if you realize later that you miss it, or actually did enjoy it, you can always bring it back.
Keeping a tradition you resent causing stressful expectations is emotional insanity. You know, doing the same thing over and over again and expecting to magically feel different. That’s the definition of insanity.
IN SUMMARY
Managing expectation versus what is real life can be challenging and complicated. And scary. Especially with strong personalities in the family. Making change might feel weird, awkward or even sad. But exceptions that no longer serve us or give us any sense of joy are not sustainable. It wreaks too much havoc on our nervous system, mental health, and emotional wellbeing. And maybe our wallet.
What I want for you is to find things that make you feel some semblance of joy. We might have to make some compromises because life is complicated and…people. But can you find three things that make you feel better during the holidays? Maybe say no to one party. Maybe do a cookie exchange instead of spending four days baking. Maybe draw names for gifts instead of buying for everyone. Maybe take one afternoon to read and drink tea.
Here’s what I let go of – sending cards, baking five different things, buying for everyone, large parties with people I hardly know, going out Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day to visit.
Here’s what I now do because it feels right – take Fridays off in December to read and drink tea, I only bake shortbread now, I do dinner or afternoon coffee with my 2-3 closest friends, I visit my family and we spend time playing games, watching movies, talking etc. And I only buy for 5 people – 2 children under 10, my best friend, my house cleaner and my aesthetician. Everyone else gets my love, time, and lower expectations from me. And I stay home Christmas Eve, spend time with family Christmas Day (afternoon), and go for a hike or snowshoe on Boxing Day – feel free to join me!
COPING SKILLS FOR WHEN EXPECTATIONS AND REALITY COLLIDE
Here are two coping skills you can use to help you manage expectations versus what is realistic.
1. Journaling.
Journaling is a great tool and can be used in different ways to help you unpack expectations, emotional weight, and holiday pressure.
You can:
-
list all expectations and cross out the ones that no longer serve you
-
dump your frustrations and burn the page as a release
-
write poetry or stories to express emotion
-
make a gratitude list to shift your mindset
Type or handwrite. Whatever feels good in the moment
For a list of journaling prompts to manage holiday expectations please email me and I’ll send you the list.
2. Affirmations
Affirmations are positive statements that help to ground us, manage stress, keep us present, and help with expectations (remember Seinfeld’s “serenity now”?!). They help rewire your nervous system and interrupt stress loops.
Repeating an affirmation changes that neural pathways in our brain to help recognize the positive connotation and shift our mindset.
Here are a few you might want to try:
-
“I don’t have to meet anyone’s expectations but my own.”
-
“I am allowed to let go of what no longer feels right.”
-
“I can choose peace over pressure.”
-
“I do not have to participate in traditions that cause me harm.”
-
“I’m doing the best I can with what I have today.”
-
“I release guilt that doesn’t belong to me.”
-
“I don’t need to justify choosing what’s right for me.”
-
“I give myself permission to create my own traditions.”
-
“I’m allowed to redefine what the holidays mean for me.”
-
“I can slow down and breathe, even when things feel chaotic.”
-
“I honour what my body and mind need today.”
-
“I am allowed to make this season simpler.”
Subscribe & Receive a Free 7-DAY FITNESS PLANNER!
Newsletters are sent twice per month with updates to the schedule, classes, and wellness information!
By signing up you agree to receive regular emails.
